


Little Brother.

by slowtown420



Category: BROCKHAMPTON (Band), brockhampton
Genre: Dysphoria, FTM, Other, Sad, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, dysphoria to the max, learning to love urself, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 17:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19361497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slowtown420/pseuds/slowtown420
Summary: Ciaran wants to be a man, and life is tough when you’re surronded by them.





	Little Brother.

**Author's Note:**

> Ooga chucka. Wrote this instead of packing my room lmao. Kinda sad there’s an implying to self harm in here and this may be dysphoria triggering. 
> 
> For my little brother, Tyler. <3
> 
>  He ain’t dead I just like remembering him

Babyface.  
He rubs his clean face in the mirror, hairless.  
Chubby cheeks make him look ten years younger, feminine. 

"Ciaran? Dude, are you almost done in there?"  
Ciaran jerks his head up at Dom's voice, immediately turning off the faucet on the sink. 

"Uh, yeah, I'm almost done. Sorry."  
He throws a shirt on over the thick material across his chest, then he walks out of the room. 

Ciaran was considered the 'quiet' one, the guy in the back who was just shy.  
No, it was because he didn't want someone to mistake him for a girlfriend of the band members. Ciaran would rather hide his face behind a guitar than be mistaken for Matt's new girlfriend. 

In the pictures of the band, where Matt is shirtless, there were always the comments on any site that got to him. Askfm, instagram, tumblr, anywhere. 

'Why does bearface never take his shirt off?'  
Matt shows him the question, Ciaran goes to his room and cries. 

-

Ciaran does this everyday.  
He stares at himself in the mirror, and tries to see if he can make the misery disappear. The boys are laughing, probably shirtless.  
Tracing his face, it still looks girly. He still looks like a twelve year old lesbian, he still looks like a girl.  
Ciaran holds back a sob, gripping the sides of the sink. His hair is shaggy, going over his eyes. 

He jumps when someone knocks on the door. Ciaran walks out, trying to hide his puffy eyes. 

"Ci, if you're jerking off, just do it in your room instead of hogging the bathroom."

Ciaran goes to his room again, and cries. Because he really wishes that's what he was doing, and he wishes he could. 

-

"Can one of you drive me to the doctors?"

Merlyn is driving him. Ciaran loves Merlyn but sometimes he doesn't catch the hint that loud rap music from Tyler the Creator is not gonna help him in this case.

It's an unspoken rule in the house. You can't ask why ciaran's going to the doctor, you can't talk to him on the way back either. 

The doctor asks how he's doing, Ciaran says he's great.  
The doctor asks simple questions that make Ciaran want to cry.  
He gets his shot. Pays the expensive bill, and he leaves. 

Ciaran eats ramens on the couch, makes a mix on his laptop. He goes to his room, and sleeps at two pm til' the next day. 

-

He skips the mirror today, it's too tough. 

Ian, Russell, and Merlyn are watching Boys Don't Cry.  
Ciaran sits with them. 

"Hey, Cici!"  
Ian exclaims, sitting next to the man.  
Ian's smiling, watching the movie, he doesn't know how much this movie makes Ciaran sad. 

It's the part where Brandon is talking about how expensive testosterone is, and it is. Ciaran doesn't know how his mom makes sure he's paid for from all the way in Belfast, but he loves her for that. 

"Anybody seen Matt today?"  
Dom asks. Everyone shakes they're head, Ciaran offers to look and gets up. 

He opens Matt's bedroom door,slamming the door when he sees Matt and his girlfriend having sex. His chest heaves, puffing up and down. Ciaran goes to his room, staying there for the rest of the day. 

-

It's a pool party. Oh god, it's a pool party.  
He wears a polo shirt like a twelve year old boy, everyone has a shirt off.  
There are girls, loads of them. There are boys, but there's always boys at the house. 

He keeps his feet in the water, not daring to jump in, he watches Matt slide off his shirt and he feels numb inside. 

Russell swims over to Ciaran, grabbing his beer bottle that sat next to the boy. Ciaran takes a drink from his own. 

"How you doin', brother?"  
Ciaran loves it when Russell calls him brother, makes him feel good.  
He gives a small affirmation, Russell smiles, a drunk smile. 

Russell pats Ciarans knee, not reaching any higher. Because he knows him. Then he swims off. 

Ciaran falls asleep in the lawn chair out back. 

-

Matt posts a picture from last night, from the pool party, Ciaran is in it.  
He likes it, he looks masculine, he feels happy. 

Someone comments, some girl, some girl with the username baby_girl_1236.

'Who's the girl in the blue polo?'

Ciaran is the girl. Matt watches his smile turn into a frown, Matt stands from the others bed. 

"I'll, uh,- I'll leave you  alone. Sorry."  
Matt's deep voice comes out, a voice Ciaran wishes he had. 

Ciaran does something he hasn't done since he was in high school. And now he can't wear shorts. 

Ciaran cries himself to sleep again. 

-

The house is empty, Ciaran decides to shower. Mostly because he has a doctors appointment today.  
It stings, and he wish he hadn't. 

He lays his towel over the mirror so he won't see himself, he puts on his binder and the boxers with cats on them, his mom got him those. 

Pulling on black jeans, and a loose hoodie, he walks out of the bathroom to see Ian on the couch. 

"Can you drive me to the doctors?"

-

Ian's quiet and understanding when Ciaran comes out of the doctors office, he puts on a slow song. Ian takes him to Waffle House. 

Ciaran orders a hash brown bowl, while Ian decides to get a chocolate chip waffle, that we all know will make him hype and then crash at two pm. 

"Will that be all, ma'm?"  
Ciaran stifles, he nods. 

"It's sir."  
Ian corrects her without a second guess. The woman apologizes, and offers them a free chocolate milk. They take it. 

"Thanks, E."  
Ciaran says quietly, watching Ian drink down his Mr. Pib.

"No problem, brother."  
They smile at each other, Ciaran feels better. 

He goes home, makes music while watching movies with the boys. 

-

One of Matt's booty calls gets up and leaves at three am while Ciaran is eating cereal, she talks to him.  
She calls him hot, then gives him her number. 

He sits in his room and makes a cover of Easy Easy by King Krule. Ciaran posts music for the first time in weeks. 

-

He grows a mustache. Ian smiles, and ruffles his hair. 

“Good job, little brother.”

-

“Let me show you how to shave.”  
Matt tells him. 

They go out and buy razors, Matt actually has a somewhat beard right now. He shows Ciaran how to not hurt himself, getting the tiny hairs on his chin.  
They’re not a lot to anyone, but it means so much more to the man. 

He goes out and eats Chinese with the boys, Ian posts a video of Ciaran’s blonde bush of a hair.

No one asks who the blonde girl is. Ciaran goes to sleep happy. 

-

He starts wearing shorts again, and he stops using auto tune to deepen his voice. 

Ciaran’s mother comments on how handsome he looks, he smiles.  
His little sister says he smells like a boy too, Ciaran ruffles the thirteen year olds hair. 

-

Ian’s drunk and laying on the man’s bed, talking about a boy. 

“He,- he’s so pretty, Ci.”  
Ian rolls over, Ciaran catches him so he doesn’t fall off the bed. 

They laugh, Ian takes another sip, and Ciaran pulls him on the bed. 

“You look,- hic- you look so much happier.”  
The comment makes the man beam, and it’s his turn to ruffle Ian’s blonde locks. 

“Thanks, brother.”


End file.
